Christmas as defined by Michael

Christmas Tree

There is no doubt that Christmas means different things to different people.  Although not a Christian, I value Christmas from a family-centred perspective and also sadly the only time we stop to really say “thank you” to people in our lives that deserve thought, praise and acknowledgement for the hard work they have put in throughout the year.

Having come from a Buddhist upbringing as well as being typically male, I find gift-giving a rather arduous task around Christmas, thankfully I have not a lot of people to buy for.  Don’t get me wrong, I love giving gifts and I love seeing the faces of the people I give presents to, but there’s a big part me that cringes and squirms when I reflect on how materialistic society has become.  I have heard many different sides to the point of giving and receiving gifts during Christmas, but none that really truly satisfies the side of me that says that we should be learning to appreciate and make-do with the things we have and also finding happiness not through “material” gifts but through more “spiritual” gifts.

Let’s clear the air as to ensure that I’m no painting myself as a hater of Christmas and gift-giving.  I am forever grateful for the presents that I receive and I appreciate the thought and time that have been put into choosing the present, but a meaningful message and some time together with some food is really all I need to satisfy me during Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everyone by the way!

Word of The Post: Change

As defined by the Oxford Dictionary: verb 1. make or become different 2. exchange for another 3. move from one to (another) 4. (change over) move from one system or situation to another 5. exchange (a sum of money) for the same sum in a different currency or denomination.

noun 1. the action of changing 2. an instance of becoming different 3. money returned to someone as the balance of the sum paid or money given in exchange for the am sum in larter units 4. coins as oppose to banknotes 5. a clean garment or garments as replacement clothing 6. an order in which a peal of bells can be rung.

It wasn’t very long ago that “change” to a lot of people who graduated high school in the year 2002 was a dirty word overused and over analysed in the 2002 HSC. I have to admit that the word had lost meaning thanks to the English curriculum. The meaning and the ideas of making “change” has been a bit of a lost concept.

Recently, I have been co-inspired by Wyatt Moss-Wellington and dear friend Louise Nutting in our combined discontent (I suspect that Wyatt may have stronger feelings) of the current situation we live. The positive person within me wants to say that we should appreciate how lucky we are to be living in such a fortunate country, but as time goes on I can not simply ignore how I don’t agree ethically and morally with the views portrayed by “our” politicians and also the lies that are being perpetuated by the mass media on a global scale.  Not only do I disagree ethically and morally on many of the federal government’s standings on issues, I also believe that we can not simply be counting our blessings and say that we have it “pretty good” here in Australia. Yes it’s pretty good here in Australia, but we should be better, in fact we should be leaders in the world.

I can’t but reflect on the lessons that we were taught in high school, particularly in English and how the aim was to teach us how to reflect, consider and analyse the different perspectives, view points or opinions (whatever you wish to call them).  We were taught through the use of Frontline to look through the ‘dodgy’ practices of a current affair programs, yet my feelings are that our newspapers and television media have degenerated to such a state that it is no longer just the current affairs program that we need to take with a grain of salt, but also the wider news that is available to us on news website and television news bulletins.

We should all be demanding to know the truth, yet the problem is knowing when it is you’re being lied to. My fear with “not trusting” all the time is that personally you can run the risk of being an overly sceptical person which when unmonitored can slowly turn you into a cynical person.

One of the first things we need to do as part of the process of making change is to find a way to spread the truth.  As for the rest… we have much planning. Even if things are in vain, at least we’re going to try and make a change.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

If this blog were my child, someone would have contacted DOCS by now and had it taken it away from me. My plans to post up my journal in regards to my travels have somewhat derailed in light of some recent events in my personal life. Nothing bad, just that the time has been reallocated.

I know that the Greenday song used for this entry’s title is in reference to the passing away of one of the band member’s father and that it describes that summer has come to and end, etc but I’m actually wishing that September would end sooner rather than later for quite different reasons. It’s shaping up to be an excellent month, but September and October make me sick (quite literally). I have a love-hate relationship with Spring, I start off hating it, because early spring is when grass starts to pollinate (I have grass allergies), but I end up loving it because grass doesn’t pollinate as much towards the end. That’s my rant for this entry.

So what’s been happening…?

One
Life continues to be really good! I stopped counselling about 2-3 months ago and I’m feeling on top of the world. I’ve come to know myself a lot better and I don’t think I’ll ever get depressed to the point that I did last year. Mind you there were some extremely unique circumstances leading to my ‘Major Depressive Episode’.

In all honesty I think if the very same circumstances occured again, the result would not be dissimilar. Not because I haven’t learnt anything about myself, but mostly because I was hit with wave after wave of just *shit*.

• Suspended License – Whilst I joked and laughed about it, I was shit scared that I would lose my job. My job involves a lot of driving to home visits and school and pre-school visits. What annoyed me more at the time was that I was caught at 7am on a Sunday morning after having done a grave-yard shift. There was one other car on the road that morning and because of the rain I hadn’t noticed the Police Car coming from the other side.

• Bell’s Palsy – For those who don’t know what this is. It’s basically a unilateral (one-sided) – facial weakness. (I.e you look like you’ve had a stroke). Again, in any given situation I like to laugh and put on a brave face and indeed there’s really not much I could do. The situation again scared me a lot. I totally internalised my feelings and in the end also contributed to the end of my relationship at the time (although that was to be realised much later). To explain why this had such an impact on me… basically Bell’s Palsy makes one side of your face droop like you’ve had a stroke. As a Speech Pathologist, I rely on my facial muscles for a living and so being a new-grad that had worked less than half a year, thoughts of a ‘career’ ending illness constantly crossed my mind. Worst still, because I knew all about Bell’s Palsy, I knew that there was no therapy I could do to make it better.

• Failing Postgrad – I’ve now since quit post-grad and elected to reduce my stress and focus on being a happy little chappy. But because of the Bell’s Palsy and other distractions I began to fail my post-grad subjects. I was actually doing quite well, but being behind on essays is a difficult thing to make up for. You can’t simply make things up, there’s research, reading, analysis, etc. There’s a process involved. Failing really, really disappointed me. I hadn’t failed anything since first year uni which at the time was 4 years ago. In fact I had transformed myself after failing 5 subjects in my first year of uni to becoming an absolute nerd and finishing with a distinction average in my final two years. It wasn’t a competition to be better than everyone else like it was in high school. I did it, because I felt that I was letting myself down.

• Relationship problems and the end of the relationship – the statement pretty much sums it up.

• Resigning from a job I loved – In the end I was looking to move out, but I loved my job a lot, the only problem was that it was a locum. I was only going to be there for a year. I couldn’t get a home-loan to move out. The only thing left to do was quit. It was emotional for me because I was hoping to be there for the whole year as well as possibly stay on after the locum, which was a real possibility. I had volunteered at the school for over 2 years and I loved it and resigning really sucked.

There were other things happening amongst all of this, including family issues and work related stress issues. All-in-all and even with hindsight I found it to be a horrific year.

Two
I’ve been dating someone – but I’m just going to leave it at that. It’s rather complicated at the moment (not bad complicated) and I think even with my go-with-the-flow attitude it’s still very complicated.

Three
Travel plans have been made – Japan 08-09 it will be.

Four
I have enrolled myself in a photography class as well as also spent a little too much on a new Lens, Tripod and Bag.

Five
I might be playing basketball again, but we’ll have to see how it all works out.

That’s all from me at this point.

Happiness

So scared I have become of you of late
So worried, anxious and afraid before,
Engulfed in me, you had become my hate
Nothing seemed to matter, I want no more

In desperation I want my relief
Pleased to see the blurry traffic lights
Police arrived to deny me! What a thief!
At my despair they took me to the whites

Hungry and remorseful my anger grew
Hidden behind those solemn painted walls
A normal patient would not wish it true
Pains and memories fed my solace sores

Pleasure and happiness that I now seek
I only wish to be with you my friends
No longer does everything seem so meek
Enjoyment first in life now sets the trends

Social, travel and eating craziness
Somehow I know I found my happiness

Life is full of Clichés

My birthday came around again and this time it was celebrated with my mates. Many will remember the events of last year. Things have changed, despite my pessimism 12 months ago and they have changed somewhat dramatically. I now feel like I don’t really know the ‘me’ I was 12months ago.

I won’t go about listing all the things that have changed, because its all very subjective. There are things I still regret, but I am forever thankful to those who stuck by me and those who helped keep me here.

It’s strange. I’ve been feeling on top of the world the last few months and absolutely loving life.

I recently decided to make a move and finally ask someone out and although I was met with rejection, I was still somewhat upbeat. In the past I would have obsessed over it and possibly felt sorry for myself. No one enjoys being rejected, but in an odd kind of way it felt pretty good.

Things in my life are suddenly looking more like a Shakespearean play. At this stage I must leave it as a tease and not divulge any further, but things have become slightly more confusing and have in fact being rather complicated.

Adrenalin, Alcohol and Anger

Adrenalin – Yesterday was perhaps the single most amazing day of my life. There are plenty that I rate quite highly, but the pure adrenalin and exhilaration from jumping out of a plane still sends shivers down my spine every time I think about it. The only thing I have concluded from the experience is that I HAVE to do it again. Yes, I am hooked, like a new addict scraping around for that extra cash to give him that next rush. Unlike the gradual affects of drugs, I am hooked instantly. One sniff, one taste and I am now dependent on it. The rush is no longer there, replaced by a NEED that knows only relief.

Alcohol – After having a short nap and some chow, I met up with a friend who showed me Dean’s Café – Bar. There was something about the bar that gave it a nice ambiance and feel. The service was fantastic and the music was provided by a record playing jukebox. Of course you’d need to be a fan of the classics to truly enjoy the music. We were the first to try the new (old) brown bean bag that had sitting comfortably near the floor. In my opinion a beautiful place to chill out, relax and be able to chat and catch-up with some friends, precisely what I was doing there.

Anger – My amazing day was soon to be spoiled by a power tripping Police Officer. My road of choice these days seeing as I moved to Eastwood is Victoria Road and I am well aware of the fact that they almost always have RBTs near Gladesville. With work merely hours away and sleep deprivation impeding my judgement I couldn’t help but be a smart-arse. It should come to no surprise to anyone that when I get worked up about something, there’s just no amount of rhyme or reason that can stop me.

My story is as follows:

My last drink was at about 9:00pm and I had only had two beverages that night, it was now 1:00am in the morning I am sober, but tiredness and weariness were clouding my judgment. I’m on the left lane (of three lanes) and the cops had closed it so that there was only one lane you could drive through which was the right lane.

The Police Officer who was directing all the cars to be breath tested had stopped taking in anymore cars and was waving everyone through. I accelerated a little with the knowledge that he was going to wave everyone through.

Then out of nowhere the officer decides to jump out in front of my car and wave me through. I jam on the brakes and then pull over. He taps on my window and says “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

The following is my recount of the conversation:

PO: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No Sir, I don’t
PO: How fast do you think you were driving?
Me: No idea, but it was definitely under the speed limit and I was well in my rights.
PO: There’s a big RBT going on, two lanes are closed, don’t you think you were going a bit fast?
Me: *shrugs* I did nothing wrong.
PO: I can pull you up for neg driving
Me: (heard what he just said and got pissed off) Neg driving? Excuse me? The only person that is being negligent here is you, officer. You were clearly waving everyone through. Then you decided to dangerously jump in front of my car, stick your sign up and wave me in. You put both my life and your life at risk. Who was being negligent?
Me (still): I am sure that you will find that if this was to ever wind up in court that you would be in the wrong.

The Police Officer looks at me and you could tell that he was fuming. He angrily tells another officer to breath test me.

I’m honest with the next officer and told him I had a couple to drink earlier in the night, he looks at my licence, gives me a genuine smile and lets me go.

I don’t understand why I need to engage in such mindless encounters with our police officers. I of course could think of a million other things that he could be doing, but he clearly had other ideas. I think the police officer that did the RBT on me, knew that the guy that pulled me over was a bit of a wank, hence the smile; either that or he liked me. (Now that would be a story)

On a more positive note… Sky Diving! OH MY F#$KING GOD IT was AWESOME!

Oh What a Night!

I will update my travels (hopefully), but just quickly… I think the trip gave me a few more epiphanies, perhaps not like the ones I had on the toilet in India, but ones that seem to inspire and open up more ideas and options for what I want to do with the rest of my life. What a difference a year makes!

Drink Up

I realise and continue to feel guilty about how much I have neglected to update this blog as well as continue to try and develop other parts of the site. A few things have occurred since my last post, including a very minor car accident, which could have gotten a lot worst, but that’s just the nature of all accidents. I won’t share any of the details on this blog until the insurance company has cleared it all and when I have had the car repaired. The car is of course still drivable and I’m just glad it wasn’t anything serious.

Friday 27th June, 2008 will officially be remembered as the day that I enjoyed my first alcoholic beverage. Yes, after almost 24 years of being sober I decided quite uneventfully and in the most absolute unspectacular way to throw the towel in. We were at the Heritage aka Belgian Bier Cafe where I sampled some of the beers that Kieran was drinking, when we finally made it back to my little shack I tried some nondescript Red Wine, Amaretto and Peroni’s.

I didn’t get drunk, I’m not sure how many actual standard drinks I had, but I had fun and I can only see myself progressing from the night. Particularly since I found beer and wine to be an acquired taste.

So next Friday, I’m officially off on my short trip to South-East Asia and then oddly to Melbourne, so you’ll hear even less from me.

The romance side of life has been a bit odd in the sense that I’ve had to work out what my feelings are about certain people and things and what my own expectations are again.

Life’s damn good lately and I’m hoping it keeps-on-keep-on.

A week and a half later…

I have to work this morning! Woot! Actually, I didn’t know til Wednesday/Thursday this week that I had to work this cold but wonderful Saturday morning. I am helping out with the “Hey Dad!” program at work. This involves 8 dad’s and their beloved child/ren and 2 hours of fun bonding time with me apparently at the helm of it. It should be an interesting day, I can only hope that I don’t stuff up!

My sister finally came back from the hospital yesterday and I got to see my new niece for the first time! Babies are alway so precious and so sweet. I was actually really amazed at how calm and relaxed my sister was this time round, although Madeline (not sure on the spelling of her name) was born full time and at a very healthy weight, whereas Naomi my other niece was very small and had a bit of trouble putting on weight.

Last night, I had the strangest dream… not sure what it was all about because I actually got up perplexed. Everyone around me was just angry. Sorry let me clarify that, all my friends that were in that dream were all angry at me and they kept yelling at me. I’m not sure what my subconscious is trying to say. I’m not sure that it really means that everyone is angry at me, but it makes me think though… I can be a very angry person at times, but more than anything I’m really hard on myself and I get angry at myself for the smallest things. After all this time I still find it difficult to forgive myself. I don’t know why? If anyone has explanations I would greatly appreciate knowing why!

Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind

This movie is probably not the best on a late Friday night and after a weeks hard work. I am however impressed with the movie. I was pleasantly surprised by the acting skills of both Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey. As far as movies go I rate this quite highly, whilst its not your artsie-artsy film it has a well formed story line and approrpriate sub-plots that didn’t take away from the plot itself. Some would say that the sub-plots didn’t really exhist, but we’re really not talking about Shakespeare here.

Another solid week comes to an end! It was fantastic catching up with Speechie friends from what seems to be ‘yonder’ years. A delicious hearty meal was cooked to near perfection by Frances and as usual we ended the night saying that we would do it again, more regularly.

Why am I here an not on the ‘Bay- Run’ … I’m buggered. I had every intention of going until the clock struck 2am the I hadn’t turned into a pumpkin yet.